WASHINGTON - Citing a recent doctor’s check in, DeVos announced Wednesday that she apparently lacked a spine. “It’s really an irritating condition,” DeVos explained. “It’s getting harder to stand up, especially on positions that I’m supposed to be supporting.”

In a recent CNN/ABC poll, more than 37% of voters are worried about DeVos’ medical condition. “I’m really concerned about her. I mean, before she was passed through the Senate I was a little worried, but after seeing her crumple under [Attorney General] Sessions’ transgender bill, I think we can all see her condition is getting worse,” said anxious area man Will Bergozini. “Mrs. Secretary of Education, if you’re reading this, we’re all rooting for you and we hope you grow a backbone soon.”