After 8 years of working tirelessly for his employer, a relatively unknown African-American man reportedly received a $400,000 bonus for his hard work. The employer is a small but lucrative family-run business named W. S. Fitzgerald & Co., which specializes in investments. When contacted for further information, the business hung up after refusing to speak with anyone but shareholders.

“This bonus really gives me hope as a working-class American,” the man told reporters at Sarcastic Panda. “I am glad that companies are finally giving back to their employees, rather than just rewarding shareholders and the top 1%.” When asked if he would continue his already 100-day vacation, the man responded, “No, I think I’ll soon resume working at W. S. Fitzgerald. This bonus has really given me encouragement and made me realize how valuable my work is. It reminds me what purpose I’m doing it all for, you know?” The reporters replied that they didn’t know, but instead of explaining, the man merely conjured a glowing orb of sunlight from mid-air and winked seductively.

The man also gave a tour of his new home, located in Washington, D.C., adding that the bonus would really help pay the mortgage off. He had been recently evicted from his previous residence when the landlords decided to replace him with a new tenant described as having “the skin of Flamin’ Hot® Cheetos.” The man said that the bonus would additionally “help put food on the table to support [his] family” because finances are often tough “in a poor, working-class family like [his].”

The man’s present and former coworkers include local celebrities Hillary Clinton and George Bush, among others.

“Wall street bull” by htmvalerio is lisenced under CC BY-ND 2.0