MEMORANDUM FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE CONCERNED THAT I MIGHT SCREW US ALL OVER BECAUSE THE ICE CAPS ARE MELTING AND APPARENTLY THAT’S GOING TO PUT FLORIDA UNDERWATER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

FROM: SCOTT PRUITT

My fellow Americans. When Our Lord and Savior Trump appointed me to the head of the EPA, I knew that I would be dealing with opposition from the biased liberal media. I knew that there would be those liberals wanting me to resign for my repeated ethics violations and extravagant spending and blatant corruption and industry ties and denialism and the fact that I have zero background in science. And I just wanted to let the American people know that in the face of adversity I will keep my chin up, my head high, and my 20-man security personnel.

People are saying I should resign because I keep spending taxpayer money so that I can travel first class, but really, that’s stupid. Taxpayer money? Pshh. Why shouldn’t I spend a little here and there? Every man has his vices, and for some that’s spending millions of Americans’ hard-earned money. Besides, Mnuchin spent like $800,000 on private jets, and he’s not even doing that great of a job of destroying the economy.

Supposedly I’m not suited to my position because I’ve received $300,000 in campaign contributions from the oil and gas industry. Too close to the industry or something. Like, apparently the head of the Environmental Protection Agency is supposed to actually care for the environment. Hilarious, I know. Liberals, amirite?

The libs say that pumping trillions of gallons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere every year is making the ice caps melt, which makes no sense at all. But even if it were true, come on, what’s the harm in a little water? A few fish die, a coral reef or two disappears, entire cities go underwater - so what? Seems to me like “global warming” will actually solve the drought in California. Not that I want to help California - too many liberals.

You know, I went outside the other day and it was kind of cold. So how can the earth be warming? Think about it. I haven’t.

I just don’t see what everyone is so worked up about. “Climate change” doesn’t actually exist. It’s just like “science” - it’s a liberal conspiracy.

The truth of the matter is that the temperature goes up and down every couple hundred of years. Now some of you might say, Scott, there’s a broad consensus among the scientific community that climate change is real. But scientists are elitists. I don’t see how studying something extensively for 30 years makes you an expert. It’s as if getting a PhD is difficult.

As head of the EPA I have decided to reverse a ban on chlorpyrifos. And I’ve come to the conclusion that this is really a good thing. If more American children are born with brain defects, well, they won’t grow up to become these elitist liberal scientists who keep telling me to resign.

You know the old saying, right? Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions, and I’m entitled to my own facts. And flying first class.

So my friends, we shall go on to the end, we shall fight in D.C., we shall fight on the coasts and the Rust Belt, we shall fight with growing stupidity and growing concern over ethics violations, we shall defend our lobbyists, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight the snowflakes, we shall fight the deep state and the antifa, we shall fight the EPA (wait… I forgot, that’s me); we shall never surrender!